Mark Twain

“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”

“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear—not absence of fear.”

“Every man is a moon, and has a dark side, which he never shows to anybody.”

“The first half of life consists of the capacity to enjoy without the chance; the last half consists of the chance without the capacity.”

“From his cradle to his grave a man never does a single thing which has any first and foremost object save one — to secure peace of mind, spiritual comfort, for himself.”

“Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.”

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”

“If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.”

“It’s spring fever.... You don’t quite know what it is you DO want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so!”

“Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the and the blind can see.”

“Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.”

“My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.”

“October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August, and February.”

“One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.”

“There’s always something about your success that displeases even your best friends.”

“We are always too busy for our children; we never give them the time or interest they deserve. We lavish gifts upon them; but the most precious gift, our personal association, which means so much to them, we give grudgingly.”

“When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.”

“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”