Jokes

What makes something funny?

Some jokes are funny no matter what your age, ethnicity or gender. Some jokes can make you laugh even if you’ve heard them before and know the punch line. Some jokes have to be seen to get the whole impact and some can bring tears to your eyes just by reading them. Humor is one of life’s surprising gifts. It has the power to save an awkward moment from going completely off the rails and it can make a good day one that you’ll cherish forever.

 

If someone says to you “So this guy walks into a bar...”, right away you know they’re going to tell you a joke. We’ve collected all kinds of jokes for our archives, from the stupid to the sublime. Looking for puns? You’ve come to the right place. Enjoy a good shaggy dog story? Read “The Bell Ringer” and “The Bell Ringer’s Brother.” One-liners...two-liners...we’ve got a million of ’em. Go ahead and click something below and oh, yeah... you’re welcome!

The Jokes...

Russian 101 text book

The couple was delighted when their long wait...

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Yankee Alert!

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be...

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A man came home from work and found his three...

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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at...

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Proud Parents

On our 25th anniversary, my husband took me...

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Hotel key

When a vacationer wrote to a hotel asking...

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Pink Poodle

Once there were three male dogs who set eyes...

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When a vacationer wrote to a hotel asking...

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American Gothic painting by Grant Wood (1930)

Ole and Lena’s bull took sick and died, so...

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A city man was tooling down a country road...

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Doctor: “Sorry. Your brother’...

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“The average woman would rather have beauty...

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Enjoy a good shaggy dog story? Read the...

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There are two major products to come out of...

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Jim Finn, the noted biologist, was stumped. He...

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Dahling

Note: The following jokes are...

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Bow Tie

Two guys are driving along an outback road and...

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Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of...

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padre

Brother John entered the ‘Monastery of Silence...

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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the...

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bear head

How can you tell a brown bear from a grizzly...

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The Buddhist and the hot dog and the Buddhist...

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newspaper

A older woman down south goes into the local...

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the bull

A Wyoming rancher had a bull named...

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the cow

A big city lawyer was called in on a...

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cat sleeping on clouds

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God...

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Nighty-night

Nine rules for cats living in a cat lover’s...

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Sitting cat

Q: Why don’t cats play poker...

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Nine rules for cats living in a cat lover’s...

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christmas ornament

What do elves learn in school? The elf-abet....

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Saint Nick

What do elves learn in school? The Elf-abet!...

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rudolph the red-nosed reindeer

If Santa rode a motorcycle, what kind...

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A suave-looking chap invited a...

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“Daddy, what does ‘FORMATTING DRIVE C...

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All computers wait at the same speed...

Escape is impossible, but that doesn’t mean...

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The world’s first fully computerized...

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One newspaper columnist thinks it’s a...

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Tex the cowboy

Don’t squat with your spurs on. Don’t mess...

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Cowboy with lasso

A cowboy was walking down the street...

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Accountant to fellow worker: “For a...

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tooth with funny glasses

What did the tooth say to the departing...

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Did you hear the one about the two silkworms...

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A lawyer charged a man $500 for given...

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Two cows were grazing alongside a...

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The metal strips used to band birds...

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Unable to attend the funeral after...

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There’s a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a...

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On the first day of creation, God created the...

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can of dog food

Every lunch hour Dave picked up a can...

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A young businessman had just started...

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Elephant in nature

How do you know there are TWO elephants in...

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A group of aspiring psychiatrists...

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working dog

A local business was looking for office help....

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Senator Styles Bridges of New...

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little man with heart

The following are statements from kids about...

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Gee...I wonder where the mother bear is? Watch...

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Did you hear about the two men from...

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A young theologian named Fiddle Refused to...

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A famous general died and his ashes...

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Three friends had just attended the...

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According to inside contacts, the...

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fisherman with fish

Two guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all...

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Airhead Airlines

Airhead Airlines, Flight 101, is...

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Propeller airplane

Fifteen minutes into the flight from...

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football

Pro football announcer and former NFL coach...

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were...

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A tourist wanders into a back-alley...

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sitting bull

An Australian travel writer touring...

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A first grade teacher collected old, well-...

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U.S. states

A humorous twist on state mottoes.

6-month old kitty vs. 32-year old husband......

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wounded and on crutches

Q. What does HMO stand for? ANSWER: This is...

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flowers

A number of friars were behind on...

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A frog is looking for a loan, so he...

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Funny Money

Two teenage boys were counterfeiting...

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funny exit sign

Funny signs found along life’s highways and...

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Lion King

A native king learned that...

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After seeing his test results, a...

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Teacher at the blackboard

Participles? Dangling participles? Pluperfect...

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No apologies given for the following puns. Be...

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St. Basil Cathedral

There once was a czar in Russia whose name was...

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gorilla at the zoo

An unemployed actor is getting pretty...

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A couple were celebrating their 25th...

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executive and boss

A young executive was leaving the...

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floppy disk with cadeusus

Never write a line of code that someone else...

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Following are actual entries in hospital...

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dog howling at lamp

See how different breeds will (or will not)...

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Puppy Photo

Detailed instructions on how to photograph a...

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Here’s how to determine whether you’ve had...

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lion roaring

A hungry lion was roaming through the...

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A couple of hunters from Prague are...

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two hunters

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them...

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tortoise with world on his back

Winners from the Washington Post...

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Sphinx with tie

An Arab was walking through the...

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Occasionally, airline attendants make an...

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kangaroo and joey

A kangaroo kept getting out of his...

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A new soldier was on sentry duty at...

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hand knocking

A slew of the old tried-and-true “Knock-Knock...

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train with banana

There once was this guy who worked...

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Three friends were discussing what...

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Mom with towel on her head

After putting her children to bed, a...

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trooper

The local policeman had just finished...

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lawyer as a shark

A few jokes intended to poke fun at lawyers on...

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light bulb

How many surrealists does it take to screw in...

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Actual laws that have been enacted and put on...

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How do crazy people go through the forest?...

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During World War II, the captured...

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An apartment building maintenance man...

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A man walked into a bar with his...

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A man goes to his dentist because he...

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dog running

What do you get when you cross a pitbull with...

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healthy foods

A man walks into a Doctor’s office....

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A prominent doctor discovered that...

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Did you hear about the midget clairvoyant...

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Military computer

Military leaders succeed in building...

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Bald eagle sarge

In an effort to ensure proper training and...

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Tourist

Travel Notice: As you head...

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mixed bag

What do you call three rabbits in a row,...

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Mom and Dad

Father: Don’t you...

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the mouse

A fellow received a mouse for his...

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A mushroom walks into a bar, sits...

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musical notes

Humorous definitions for musical terms, like...

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wrist watch

Jake is struggling through an airport...

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newspaper with picture of cow

“Name names!” the crusty editor...

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“This is the last time one of your...

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A man recently invented a knife that...

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Cat-related cartoon regarding “Never, ever...

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space needle

“I can’t believe it,” said the tourist. “I’ve...

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banana split

Late-night snacks have no calories. The...

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“You seem to have more than the...

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“Doctor, you must do something about...

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When you’re swimmin’ in the creek...

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olympic rings

Three athletes were standing in line...

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squad car

A squad car cop was passing through a...

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Seven days without puns makes one weak. I know...

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family

Yes, parenthood changes everything....

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kitty with a pill

Step 1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook...

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Trooper on the side of the road

“The handcuffs are tight because they...

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Democrat and Republican candidates

“My brother worked in the mayor’s campaign,...

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thinking

Those who live by the sword get shot by those...

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Joe and the Pope

Two guys were sitting at a bar when one says...

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She spent the first day packing her belongings...

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pencil writing stet

Humorous take on proofreader’s marks, plus a...

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Farmer and the horse

An out-of-towner drove his car into a...

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police trooper

A young man was pulled over by the Louisiana...

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hiker

I did not make these up! These are questions...

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Very early one morning two birds are...

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out cold

A woman met her husband at the train...

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movie tickets

When the usher noticed a man...

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Santa with sack of toys

I am pleased to present the following annual...

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A boy was watching his father writing...

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How do crazy people go through the forest?...

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A professor stood before his class of...

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A man goes to his doctor and tells...

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monkey bartender

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the...

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Why don’t lobsters share?...

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Hero sandwich

Two men went into a diner and sat...

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A detailed glimpse into the vagaries of...

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A string walks into a bar, sits down...

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Stupid Person sign

Stupid people should have to wear signs that...

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After a young couple brought their...

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tax form

Tax Form: How much did you...

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tern on branch

The coast guard recently stopped a...

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Fireman

A list of things I’ve learned from kids, like...

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movie camera

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a...

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doctor looking at x-ray

Better save that. We’ll need it for the...

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bag o' money

Early to bed,
Early to rise,...

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There are three kinds of people in...

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A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a...

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the king

Once upon a time, there was a good king and...

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tombstone

Two old ladies were walking around a...

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headstone

Generally, tombstones include the deceased’s...

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According to Merriam-Webster, an ox-y-...

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Air control tower at night

While practicing auto-rotations...

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penguins

A police officer sees a man driving around...

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Jon bought two horses, and could...

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molecules

Two molecules are walking down the...

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Two weevils started life together. One was an...

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two cows

Political and governmental philosophies...

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female doctor

Podiatrist: As a student, he always aspired to...

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Sis Boom Bah

A fellow walks into a restaurant,...

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UPS airplane tail

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form...

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On the 'net

I was on my way to the post office to...

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blue car

The prospective buyer drove the used car back...

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cocktail in a glass

A psychiatrist was in the habit of...

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Pope driving

The Pope was on a visit to California...

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dog with hearts

What do you call a cartoon that only shows up...

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Little Harold was practicing the...

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A businessman walks into a bar after...

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What do you call the horrible feeling you get...

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Wal-Mart Greeter

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal...

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The Washington Post Style...

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three books

Wacky definitions for common words and...

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What do you call the horrible feeling you get...

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Three friends were discussing what...

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cat and dog

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of...

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witch on a broomstick

Once upon a time in England, a very...

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red x

Two fishermen, Mario and Luigi, have...

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Porter was known as the Yank pilot,...

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Teacher: “How does...

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