George Carlin Quotes

  • “Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
  • “One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.”
  • “Atheism is a non-prophet organization.”
  • “If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?”
  • “I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
  • “If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?”
  • “If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?”
  • “If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?”
  • “Is there another word for synonym?”
  • “Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do ‘practice?’ ”
  • “Where do forest rangers go to ‘get away from it all?’ ”
  • “What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?”
  • “If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?”
  • “Would a fly without wings be called a walk?”
  • “Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?”
  • “If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?”
  • “Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?”
  • “Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?”
  • “If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?”
  • “Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?”
  • “How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?”
  • “Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?”
  • “What was the best thing before sliced bread?”
  • “One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.”
  • “To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.”
  • “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
  • “The older you get, the better you realize you were.”
  • “Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.”
  • “Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.”
  • “Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”
  • “Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.”
  • “Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?”
  • “Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?”
  • “If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?”
  • “If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?”
  • “If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?”
  • “If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?”
  • “If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?”
  • “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”
  • “Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?”