Observations Department
Things I've noticed along my way

• Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' —Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
• I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: — 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' —Eleanor Roosevelt
• Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. —Mark Twain
• The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible —George Burns
• Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. —Victor Borge
• Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. —Mark Twain
• By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. —Socrates
• I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. —Groucho Marx
• My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. —Jimmy Durante
• I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. —Zsa Zsa Gabor
• Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. —Alex Levine
• My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. —Rodney Dangerfield
• Money can't buy you happiness ... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. —Spike Milligan
• Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP —Joe Namath
• I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. —Bob Hope
• I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. —W. C. Fields
• We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. —Will Rogers
• Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. —Winston Churchill
• Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. —Phyllis Diller
• By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. —Billy Crystal